Krista Nerestant: How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself

So many of us look outside of ourselves to obtain what we need when it should be derived from within and supported by our environment. The practice of SELF anything — love, care, determination, faith, etc. — is imperative to one’s regimen to attain a well-balanced lifestyle. We live in an overstimulating environment full of opinions, advice, or prescriptions that at times we no longer recognize which way to go. We are susceptible to the human condition of communal necessity but the lack of a self-care practice of awareness, accountability, and responsibility may lead to decision making that isn’t truly ours. The importance of establishing boundaries of your own unique self needs to be exercised to be in one’s unique ownership and power of themselves so that every decision is made from a sound mind, body, and spirit leading to no regrets just understanding and lessons.

Asa part of my series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Krista Nerestant. Krista is a certified spiritual medium and teacher, as well as a trauma coach and hypnotist. She is an advocate for women and children. She is an inspirational speaker who focuses on the power and understanding of the four bodies of our unique SELF — physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Find out more at self-ishlifestyle.com

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

Icame out of the spiritual closet in 2016 as a spiritual medium and psychic which propelled me into the world of life coaching, hypnosis, and self-development. Choosing an alternative/holistic approach to heal from excruciating nerve pain from my neck down to my arm uncovered the need to heal not just my physical body but also my emotional body.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

I am filled with so many emotions at the debut of my first book, Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of Trauma, available on September 8, 2020. Excited is indeed the visceral feeling I am experiencing.

Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of Trauma is an inspirational and teaching memoir of self-mastery. In a world of HARDSHIP, we discover our POWER. But finding that strength can be challenging even on the best of days. That’s why Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of Trauma spotlights the unbroken spirit of a survivor. I share how I endured multiple traumas as a child in the Philippines and as a young immigrant in the United States. As a spiritual medium and trauma coach, I thrived through the power of perspective: archetypes, courage, self-love, resilience, and more. My mission is to help others on their healing journey. Indestructible is where I share how I transformed each of my trauma into gifts for others to use as a resource. I rose and faced every obstacle to champion for the life I wanted for myself and my family, and in the process fell in love with the journey. Most importantly, Indestructible encourages its readers to answer the question, “What are my hidden gifts of trauma?”

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?

I struggled with controlling not only my life but also my siblings’ lives. As the second oldest of five orphaned siblings, I took the role of both mother and father at the young age of 21 years old which led me to become a controlling, judgmental, inflexible person. The tipping point for me to change was when I suffered a debilitating nerve pain from my neck that ran down my right arm causing me to stop working at my salon. It resulted in financial loss which was the drive for most of my endeavors. I lost control of all the aspects in my life I thought I had control of — my body and my business. Through the physical healing journey, I discovered the need to shift the focus to me. To reflect on me rather than projecting or deflecting the issues around me. I finally accepted being a spiritual medium which was a part of me since I was 7 years old but hid through rational thinking, bulldozed through life in survival mode, and focused on making money to help my family. I finally accepted my role in the destruction or disruption of my world which ultimately was trying to control everything and everyone around me rather than just being present and honoring everyone’s truth and life choices.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

Societal perceptions and lack of self-esteem have been the main cause of such a reality. Most of it is due to the fact that we accept and allow other’s opinions or views from the outside world rather than nurturing our very own inner world with empowering, loving, and nurturing dialogue. This leaves many susceptible to giving their power away to others rather than being in power.

As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?

Loving yourself is key to being at your best and highest good because no one knows you better than you. Not your medical doctor, therapist, coach, parents, children, friends, partner, etc. You are your longest and closest commitment. The reflection staring back at you, no matter what state you are in, is yours. So how would you love yourself so that you live a life of your own and choosing?

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

I feel that people settle due to, once again, the need for societal tendencies and lack of self-esteem. Never settle for anything less than your perception of perfection. We are all individuals and characteristically unique. So how do you honor yourself while also honoring your partner’s uniqueness?

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but for our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Am I happy?

What led me here?

How do I proceed with mind, body, and spirit intact?

What resources do I need?

Is this healthy?

These questions led me to decline a marriage proposal allowing me to never settle in any relationship which led me to marry the “one”. It also allowed me to persevere through life opening my first business Salon Crimson as well as my second entity, Self-ish Lifestyle. Such questions nurtured resilience within me to survive through a trauma filled life, delivered a miracle baby (only had a 7% chance of conceiving), and birth my debut inspirational memoir, Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of trauma.

So many don’t really know how to be alone or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

So many of us look outside of ourselves to obtain what we need when it should be derived from within and supported by our environment. The practice of SELF anything — love, care, determination, faith, etc. — is imperative to one’s regimen to attain a well-balanced lifestyle. We live in an overstimulating environment full of opinions, advice, or prescriptions that at times we no longer recognize which way to go. We are susceptible to the human condition of communal necessity but the lack of a self-care practice of awareness, accountability, and responsibility may lead to decision making that isn’t truly ours. The importance of establishing boundaries of your own unique self needs to be exercised to be in one’s unique ownership and power of themselves so that every decision is made from a sound mind, body, and spirit leading to no regrets just understanding and lessons.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

Understanding and loving your own SELF is a refreshing state of being. It is the difference between aggressive vs assertive, attached vs. non-attachment, overreaction vs responsive, objective vs triggered, and so on and so forth. Your relationships deepen with others due to aligning yourself with the same energy which feeds the environment you yourself would like to be surrounded by as well as the persons around you. If one isn’t in the same wavelength or frequency, then the practice of self-love enables you to recognize what you will tolerate or won’t tolerate from a productive and effective state, not from a destructive or irrational manner.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

Lots and lots of honoring your truth through self-accountability, awareness, responsibility, and emotional healing. When we are triggered, understand that the initial emotional reaction is a biological alarm that tells us there is a need that is not being met. You are entitled to those needs but the question is, are you providing that need for yourself as well as communicating it in a crystal clear to your expectations from others? If the answer is yes, there is no compromise. Someone doesn’t win or lose. When self-accountability, awareness, and responsibility are practiced by everyone, as a society we can progress towards effectiveness and growth in a healthy manner.

What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

• Boundaries — establishing my boundaries for any situation is imperative to my overall state of being. As a spiritual medium and psychic empath, I am sensitive to mass crowds. So when I know I will be at an event of more than 50 people, I set my boundaries to maintain that my thoughts, my actions, my words, are mine and no one else’s while also allowing spirited conversations with others.

• Meditation — 15 minutes of quietude and stillness allows me to reconnect with myself and disconnect from the outside world so that my chakras are aligned and my four bodies, mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, are in a balanced state empowering me to move throughout the day productively.

• Affirmations — every day is different. Some days I want to be an introvert, others days I am an extrovert, while some days my focus is on creativity. Whichever day it is, affirmations allow me to support, sustain, and feed those focuses. My go-to affirmation is abundance (money), peace (harmony), and progress (development).

• Asking the right questions — this technique allows my mental prefrontal cortex to be involved in how to proceed in any situation as well as acknowledging my emotional response.

• Inner Child fun — Laughter is the best medicine. I really believe that. This practice at least shifts your mood, making me recognize that I have a choice in how to respond. Whether it’s watching comedy specials, reading a funny book, going out with friends, or hanging out with my 5-year old whose curious mind and energetic dance moves makes me laugh out loud, reminding me that there is so much good in the world.

• Qigong Breaths — My mind is constantly on, due to jumping from wearing one hat to another in my responsibilities as a multitasking business-minded woman. I am an entrepreneur, author, speaker, colleague, mother, wife, friend, and sister. The need to exercise my Qigong breaths to be present in my body, calm my mind, nurture my heart, and cultivate my spirit is a necessary strategy of mine to be in constant alignment to pursue the purpose of the roles I chose in this lifetime.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

I am biased on this one because I will say the number one podcast I recommend is my own — Selfcaretuesdays.com It is dedicated to empower, elevate, and encourage your never-ending self-care journey towards self-mastery. I am one of 3 hosts and we are raw and uncensored in discussing being a woman in a male-dominated society, successful entrepreneur, being mothers, and the charged societal climate of today and how we can overcome and triumph in spite of the challenges.

I am an avid reader and there are so many books that have impacted my life. But one that I highly recommend is Thunder Dog by Michael Hingson which inspired the birth of my very own inspirational and teaching memoir — Indestructible: The Hidden Gifts of Trauma. Both are written by authors from a trauma-filled upbringing yet, the resilience, perseverance, and courage to triumph over adversity are palpable. It cannot be ignored and serves to uplift the energy of not just the reader but also the community.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

The movement I would love to spark is to HEAL. To no longer walk around and bulldoze through life in survival mode in bandages. It is time to heal the root cause of your triggers and respond with the gifts your trauma or challenges have provided for you. However, that looks like, through talk therapy, retreats, spiritual interventions, books, etc. the need to recognize that you are powerful, worthy, deserving, and whole no matter what life has dealt you. Healing is key to living a fulfilling and rewarding life.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself?

Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

“You are a spiritual being having a human experience.” There are two parts of us, the human who is limited to what it can see, touch, smell, and taste in this material world and who identifies with the labels of your background: ethnicity, culture, lifestyle, gender, education, economic, religion, etc. The spiritual being is the aspect of yourself that recognizes that you are beyond such human conditions. You are beyond the color of your skin, your educational background, and that there is more to life than what you see or touch in this earth plane. Spirit or energy is not limited by time or space but is infinite. It cannot be created or destroyed, it can, however, be cultivated, transformed, and transmuted. This quote reminds me to honor both parts of me and marry the two so that I can always be in my best and highest good.

Building a Wellness Brand: “Stick with your idea but be prepared to switch gears,” with Omar Cumberbatch

Omar Cumberbatch is a Health Coach and the host of This Podcast Burns Fat! and The Health Coach Academy. He received his credentials from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN), where he was trained in more than one hundred dietary theories and studied a variety of practical lifestyle coaching methods.  His podcasts provide a forum for experts in multiple disciplines to offer strategies and healing modalities to better serve and coach his clients.  For more information, please visit https://www.omarcumberbatch.com/.

Can you tell our readers about your background?

I am a Health Coach and Podcast Host who received my training from the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN). I am certified by the American Association of Drugless Practitioners and graduated with a bachelor’s degree from Purchase College.

As a child of the ’80s, I saw firsthand how our diet and lifestyles had significant consequences on our health and wellness when we follow the accepted norms of the time.  My passion is to help people confront this struggle by educating and motivating individuals to take on a holistic lifestyle approach.

What inspired you to start your business?

Once I conquered my own weight issues after years of struggling to figure it out, I was so excited to share my story and assist others who were going through the same issues. I understood the pain of chasing diets and exercise routines in the hopes of achieving weight loss goals only to be frustrated in the end. I started this business to help people avoid the years of unnecessary struggle.

Where is your business based?

Home base is New York, but I have clients around the world.

How did you start your business? What were the first steps you took?

I started my business by word of mouth initially. My personal weight loss was visibly dramatic, and many people naturally asked the question about my secret. I saw an opportunity based on the misinformation and the abundance of conflicting dietary theories that pervades the health space. I then felt compelled to share the knowledge I acquired to help people interested in improving their health. I then launched my website and eventually launched my podcast thereafter.

What has been the most effective way of raising awareness for your business?

My podcasts have been an excellent way to raise awareness for my business. On This Podcast Burns Fat and The Health Coach Academy, I’ve been able to interview leading experts in the health and coaching industry which has enhanced my credibility in that space. This translated into business opportunities across the entire health and wellness industry.

What have been your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them?

My biggest obstacle has been realizing that an online business is very different from a typical brick-and-mortar business. It was a big assumption of mine initially that all I had to do was be online and all of a sudden, I’d have an online business. It has been an eye-opener seeing and understanding how many layers there are to the business. I’ve been able to overcome these challenges by seeking the right mentors who had reached success in my focus area, and with their help, I was able to successfully tweak my strategy. Taking a number of relevant courses related to marketing and branding also allowed me to better understand the ins and outs of the online space and make changes that were relevant to my own needs and the needs of my audience and clients.

How do you stay focused?

I wake up between 5:00 am and 5:30 am. I intentionally take a tech break for those waking hours. I don’t scroll through the phone at all for the first two hours and just focus on working on the business and tackling the most important tasks of the day.

How do you differentiate your business from the competition?

What I feel is unique about my business is that it is designed to address two issues through coaching services and providing resources through the podcasting platform. There are two specific tracks. One addresses the obesity issue that has impacted our country so profoundly. This track allows me to have coaching opportunities. The other track provides a resource for health coaches to build their practices by working on their business rather than in their business. This dual-track allows me to collaborate with experts in both the health and business space.

What has been your most effective marketing strategy to grow your business?

Cross promoting with my podcast guest has been an excellent way to grow my business.  This strategy has allowed me to be introduced to new audiences regularly in markets that are similar to mine.

What’s your best piece of advice for aspiring and new entrepreneurs?

Stick with it but be prepared to switch gears.  This doesn’t mean that you abandon your vision. We all have an idea of what we want and expect our business to look like, but our customers might love for us to deliver or present it in a different way.  It’s always about the customer, so be open to that feedback and shift if you need to.

What’s your favorite app, blog, and book? Why?

My favorite app is Twitter, purely for the entertainment it provides.  My favorite blog is James Clear’s blog.  It is an awesome resource to stay motivated around creating solid daily habits as well as staying focus on your bigger goals. My favorite book right now is T. Harv Eker’s “Secret of the Millionaire Mind”. I’ve read similar books about this topic, but for whatever reason, something truly clicked when I read it and has helped my mindset tremendously.

What’s your favorite business tool or resource? Why?

The podcast hosting platform Libsyn.com.  It is super easy to use and allows all of my podcast episodes to appear on all of the major podcast platforms.  It also allows me to create customizable links for each episode that I can add to my website which in turn, compliments the design of my website.  It also provides statistics for my show episodes so I can have data to see what works and what isn’t working.

Who is your business role model? Why?                                                              

Sean Croxton, hands down. Sean was able to make a hugely successful business by using his hit podcast as a platform in which he leveraged into creating sponsorships, affiliate commissions, and his coaching service.  At the end of the day, he read awesome books, brought the authors on the show to question them about the books, and got paid. For me, that’s a dream job.

How do you balance work and life?

Currently? Balance is one area I am looking to improve upon most. At this stage in my business, I expect to be a bit off in this department, but anticipate it evening out much better in the near future. I feel like I will accomplish more balance once I start to outsource my projects a bit more.

What’s your favorite way to decompress?

I really enjoy walking outdoors and listening to audiobooks during that time. I’m also a huge sports fan and enjoy watching my teams play. As of late, I haven’t had the time to watch as much, but when I do have the time, it really is an escape for me.

What do you have planned for the next six months?

Now that I wrapped up my first cookbook, I’m working on my second book that will be focused on untapped opportunities for health coaches to explore when diversifying their businesses. I also plan to continue to grow the listenership for both podcasts by becoming more active on social media.

How can our readers connect with you?

My website www.omarcumberbatch.com is the best way to get in touch with me, I can be messaged there, and all my social media handles are centrally located there as well.

How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself with Denna Babul

The freedom to tell it as I see it: I have always been direct, but it took me to my forties to truly own what I say. As women, we sometimes question our thought and ideas when they are received with any hesitation. Early in my life, I would back up or sometimes even apologize for my being forthright if someone refuted me because I did not trust my ideas.

As a part of my series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview Denna Babul. Denna is an expert in the field of relationships. She’s also an author, sought after speaker, relationship coach, award-winning author of The Fatherless Daughter Project: Understanding Our Losses and Reclaiming Our Lives (Avery, 2016) and Love Strong: Change Your Narrative, Change Your Life, and Take Your Power Back! (Savio Republic), and the founder of the Fatherless Daughter Movement non-profit. She lives in Atlanta with her husband and two children. You can find more info at DennaBabul.com.

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

I am always getting inspired by finding ways to help people continue to build on their narrative. I have two new books I am currently working on. Lead Strong is an initiative that is very near and dear to my heart. It is about helping women understand how to best use their voices to get the results they both want and deserve in corporate America. Although women’s voices in corporate America continue to evolve, I still find that our male counterparts don’t always understand who we are and how to best work with us. I plan to try and continue to close that gap with Lead Strong. My other book is a passion project. The working title is The Coach’s Wife. It is a story loosely based on mine and my husband’s relationship. It follows an up and coming college coach who marries the love of his life. The story centers around what two people who love each other will do to help each other meet impossible goals.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self acceptance?

I have been giving relationship advice since childhood. It is intuitive for me. I can read any situation and know what is best for everyone involved almost immediately, but I, too, had a year where the rubber met the road in my personal life. I went through a life-changing break-up, and my old abandonment issues came flying up to the surface. It was only then that I decided to stop dating and start putting all my effort into healing and understanding my childhood trauma. It was a profound year for my personal growth, and through that growth, my Love Strong methodology was born. I have been perfecting it for the last twenty years while working with thousands of women. What I know for sure is if we do not take the time to understand our childhood messaging, it can and will dictate our adulthood relationships.

According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences? 

I think you first have to understand the verbal and non-verbal cues given to us in childhood. What areas did your parents focus on? Where and when did you receive praise? The things we hear and see can leave an imprint on our mind, and most importantly, on our hearts. An example of a verbal cue could be something as simple as if your mother or father only praised you when you wore make-up. By saying something like, “You look so much prettier when you fix up.” Today you may only feel you are at value when you are dressed up with a full face on. A non-verbal cue can be a bit harder to quantify.

An example could be that you never saw your parents argue; therefore you have a hard time dealing with healthy confrontation. An example could be if you and your significant other have a disagreement, and he or she tells you what they think. Because you are not used to verbal assertiveness, verbal confrontation can seem overly aggressive versus a healthy way to find a resolution. I try to refocus my clients to look deeper at understanding their own wants and desires versus that of their parents. When those cues are turned off, a person can better understand their own needs and values. Core values are where the real magic is. Core values are the extended version of tall, dark, and handsome. They are the fundamental beliefs a person has about life and how he or she chooses to go about it. They are the foundation for how we conduct ourselves out in the world, the guiding principles that help us understand what is right and what is wrong. Getting clarity on those values will always lead you to your heart’s desires.

As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important? 

When we truly understand ourselves and why we do what we do, acceptance takes place. We give ourselves the room to forgive and let go of the things that no longer serve us. By accepting our histories and learning to love ourselves despite our failures, we acquire the ultimate inner child reckoning. We decide to let go of the past to make room for loving ourselves. It is in that space that the light comes in, and we begin to grow into who we are meant to become ultimately. This time is vital because each time we project our needs onto others, we are failing to find the love within us. For me, the act of finding strong love within ourselves is what will ultimately lead to us truly loving others-without losing ourselves along the way.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this? 

People remain in mediocre relationships because of fear. Period. Fear that they believe either they are not enough or ultimately unlovable. To know yourself is to love yourself. When we understand the why of who we are and why we react in specific ways, acceptance can flow from within. I always find it interesting that we go to college or apply ourselves to work, but we don’t take the time to understand ourselves in love. Inevitably, heartbreak will always force our hands to do the work. In Love Strong, I wanted to lay the foundation for self-acceptance, how we give & receive love, and what to do to make it all happen. I would tell anyone who is settling, that when they are ready to meet themselves in the mirror, the real love will follow. Until then, everything else is just settling.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

We have all felt weak in a relationship at some point in our lives, in romantic love or maybe even in friendship love. Many times, as women, we take on the brunt of the blame. We are born to nurture, so we get busy taking care of another person’s needs, and somewhere along the way, forget about ourselves. We may think, “If I could just love this person more, it would all work out.” We set about trying to understand how to love the person better and start forgetting about self-love. When the balance is off or somehow shifted to favor the other person, that is weak love. It is not sustainable, and to keep it going, we will inevitably lose ourselves in the process. Think about a past relationship, the one you are in now, or the one you are hoping to gain in the future. How do you want to feel? How do you not want to feel? To give you a better understanding of the difference between loving weak and loving strong, I have listed a few characteristics below. Think about your person. Circle which category your love falls into based on how it made or makes you feel.

Loving strong can:

Empower you.

Restore you.

Bring peace and love into your life.

Give you the confidence to both give and receive love freely. Treat you kindly.

Accept you in all of your glory.

Make you happy.

Encourage you to try new things.

Make you feel secure.

Give you hope.

Loving weak can:

Make you question yourself.

Make you feel sad.

Make you feel misunderstood.

Make you act out in anger.

Make you feel fear.

Make you close yourself off from family and friends.

Make you change who you are.

If you find that you are loving weak, it is probably time to do some inner work to get the love you want.

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)? Being alone helps quiet all of the noise around us that is keeping us from hearing our own needs. I find that people run from solidarity when their own inner narratives are too hard to deal with.

The good news is, your inner dialogue can be easily changed by using positive affirmation repetition. Studies say it takes sixty-six days before a new behavior becomes automatic. I call this part of the process, “the reveal.” Try keeping a thought journal, or you can use sticky notes, as I like to do. At the end of three days, I want you to highlight the negative comments in your journal. Sit with them for a few days, and be mindful of what you say outwardly versus inwardly.

After your three days of writing down your negative self- talk, I want you to find a positive affirmation to counteract what you are saying to yourself. You will see that there are about five to ten damaging statements swirling around in that pretty little head of yours daily. Write your affirming statements about the self-talk you are determined to change. Then, for the next sixty-six days, put your new internal dialogue into practice. Note that change is not always straightforward or constant. But keep reaffirming yourself; once you get comfy with your new self-talk, share some of it with a close friend or trusted family member. Ask them to call you out when they see you being harmful to yourself. Soon those berating messages will be a thing of the past. By letting go of the negative self-talk you will begin to hear your real thoughts and needs.

Getting quiet with one’s self gives us time to hear our inner voices. When we are not fully “woke” it is our subconscious mind that most often takes the lead. She is the part of your mind who is not fully aware of what you want but continues to influence your actions, feelings, and many of your choices. According to most cognitive neuroscientists, we are conscious of only about 5 percent of our cognitive activity, so most of our decisions and emotions depend on the other 95 percent of the brain’s activity that is not fully awake. To get focused and wake up the other 5% of our minds where we have to practice getting quiet and feeling all that is there to guide us.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others? By loving ourselves, we are indeed free to love others. By understanding ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and agile to the world’s possibilities. Those vulnerabilities invite others to be open to give and receive love in tandem with us.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

I think, as individuals, we all come into adulthood with the energy from our family histories, traumas, and the fractures that happen along the way. As individuals, we have to take some accountability for all of it and commit to healing so that we don’t project our pain onto others. However, as a society, we are not all capable of doing the work. Either we don’t have the emotional tools or courage to do it alone, or we simply don’t think we have the pain to heal. I think a lot of people find it hard to deal with people who are emotionally or mentally weak and incapable of doing their work. We believe that if we can do the work, others can too. I wish it were that easy; if it were we would all be walking around free of pain. For me, acceptance is key. Accepting people for where they are is where the real healing happens. Sometimes loving people from afar has to occur to best love ourselves.

What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

Wow! This question got me thinking…in a good way.

1. The freedom to tell it as I see it: I have always been direct, but it took me to my forties to truly own what I say. As women, we sometimes question our thought and ideas when they are received with any hesitation. Early in my life, I would back up or sometimes even apologize for my being forthright if someone refuted me because I did not trust my ideas. The more and more I fell in love with myself along the way, the stronger my convictions have become. An easy way for all women to best use their voice is first to check their intentions behind their worlds. If your intentions are in the right place, let your words flow.

2. Taking time to rest your mind: I am a leader, creator, empath, and an optimist. I take in a lot of other people’s issues and energy. It is the part of myself that I think God bestowed my best gifts. I was born to help others. I eat, drink, and live it. However, to be able to continue using those talents, I have also to take the time needed to rest. For me, walking on the beach or losing myself in a book is the best way to recharge my battery. My husband has also learned to help me when I need to rest my mind. He is lovely and grabbing up the kids and taking them on an expedition while I take the time to rejuvenate the soul.

3. Exploring my creativity: I am a storyteller. Everything I see and hear is always being used to create something. I keep a notepad and journal and am regularly writing down ideas and thoughts for something I will use at a later time. To me, there is nothing like exploring somewhere new to get inspired. The minute I get on a plane and the wheels are up, my mind starts to run wild. My thoughts are inundated with ideas for books and scripts. I have a script that I have been working on for years. I even told Devon Franklin about it, so now I know it will come to fruition.

4. Words have power: When we are in the space and frequency, we are supposed to be living in things that come naturally. I try to live by this mantra, knowing that the things that are meant for me will be, anything else is just a distraction. When I am going against the current, so to speak, and acting out, out of frustration, my energy starts to become negative. It is in this negativity that I have to choose my words to reflect positivity to change my trajectory. I try to speak and align in a way that brings the light to me and from me. I am human, and yes, sometimes I lose it. However, the more you practice, the more natural and more rewarding it becomes.

5. I choose to love strong: In whatever I am doing and whomever I love I want to do it strongly. My relationships are what are the most important for me. If one is not offering strong love, I have learned to let it go with love. This is not to say that I don’t love all kinds of people because I do. I just know what I need to feel and be loved. If someone is doing more of the taking, I let them go from my close circle until they are ready to give love too.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

There are so many. Some books that have helped me along the way are:

Many Lives Many Masters-This book taught me that our pasts and perhaps our past lives play a role in our current lives. It expanded my ideas and gave me room to believe that everyone we meet is for a reason.

Adult Children of Alcoholics-I had no idea that my father’s alcoholism had played a role in the way I thought. It wasn’t until I found this book on accident at an ACOA meeting (for college credits) that I started to understand how the effects of having a parent with this disease can play out in your life.

The Inner Child Workbook-A therapist told me about this book. I learned more about myself than I could have ever have imagined as I poured my pain into this guide book. It is a must for anyone still dealing with childhood issues.

The Female Brain-This book is fascinating!

Co-dependant No More-I found this book in the book store in my twenties and devoured it. Although I am not the quintessential co-dependent, I did realize that I had developed a lot of those habits with my mom after losing my father. Reading the book gave me the kick in the ass I needed to fly the coup and go explore the world.

You Can Heal Your Life-Loise Hay was way ahead of her time. I refer to this book often and respect the mental, physical, and emotional connection. Our thoughts really do influence every other part of our lives.

I love to follow Brene Brown, Devon Franklin, and Gabby Bernstein for spiritual guidance. The Harvard Business Review is also a stimulating follow for anyone in business.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

My first book, “The Fatherless Daughter Project: Understanding Our Losses and Reclaiming Our Lives”, inspired the Fatherless Daughter Movement. It consists of a non-profit, a documentary and a platform for the 1 in 3 women out there who identify as being fatherless. I define fatherlessness as the lack of an emotional bond between a daughter and a father due to, but not limited to: death, divorce, abandonment, abuse, addiction, or incarceration. Fatherlessness is an extremely prevalent issue but not one, as I found that our society is ready to bring to the forefront. We desperately need our fathers, and I am dedicated to helping this issue get the attention it warrants. Who else is in? I need someone with a platform and wallet much more significant than mine to join me in my plight to heal.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by?

Your past does not have to define you; you can use it to redefine who you want to become.

Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

Yes. I lost my father tragically when I was 13 years old. He was murdered, and we never found out who did it. Most of my childhood dreams died when he did. Instead of dreaming, I lived in fear. I had to let go of the ordinary things a teenager dreams of like love and the wanderlust around what I would do with my life. Instead, I went into planning mode. I gave up my idea of moving to California to pursue writing and settled on nursing school because it seemed to offer stability. I settled in love, and instead of looking for my equal, I married the first guy that came around and could offer what I thought was normalcy. Although I only practiced nursing for eight years, and my first marriage was a bust, they both taught me so much about myself. In both, I did find stability, and they allowed me some time to rest and just live for a while. However, as with all childhood trauma, the past came back bubbling up to the surface the minute I tried to step out and go it alone. It was in those years of alone time that I found my footing. I began to love myself, and in that love, my storytelling voice came back to life.

It took me a lot of years, heart work and perspective to finally understand that I did not have to live in my past anymore. I faced my childhood trauma, took what served me, and let go of the rest. It was a grueling process, but I came out so much stronger. I used everything that tried to break me and built my new foundation brick by brick.

Today, I use my past to help others find their voices. I no longer hide from all of the pain. I now use it for power and purpose.

It is a good life.

Wellness + Work: How to Live Well with Psychotherapist Angela Ficken

Angela Ficken, LICSW is a full-time psychotherapist in private practice. She specializes in OCD, eating disorders, depression, and anxiety-related concerns.

She started her career at McLean Hospital, one of the top-ranking psychiatric hospitals in the country, and affiliated with Harvard University. She was the head social worker on an inpatient unit that focuses on anxiety and depression. During her time at McLean, she trained in exposure therapy and became certified in CBT and DBT. Shortly thereafter, she worked at Harvard University as a primary therapist for undergraduate and graduate students.

During her time there, she taught students CBT and DBT skills to help them manage a range of challenging emotions that young adults face daily. Along with her work at McLean and Harvard, Angela had a small private practice for years before she decided to move to full time in 2013. From there, she focused her attention on working with young adults and entrepreneurs primarily after noticing that both groups struggled with anxiety disorders and stress-related issues due to life transitions and the uncertainty of what was coming next in their lives. The struggle, as they say, is “real”.

She spent years fine-tuning her practice and building her business into something more than a standard full-time private practice. She began writing for Huffington Post as an expert, which then catapulted her into writing for other major online sources which include Marriage.com where she was a verified expert, YourTango.com, ThriveGlobal.com, and has been quoted in Allure.com, Oprah Magazine, and on MSN.com, Bustle.com, Popsugar.com, Buzzfeed.com, Nylon magazine, Getstigma.com, and Justluxe.com. She has also been a guest on Onward Nation with Stephen Woessner where she talked about OCD and intrusive thoughts, as well as on the radio in Chicago and Reno speaking about stress and anxiety.

Through her writing and hearing from her clients how difficult it was finding an understanding therapist – one who could actually teach coping strategies to manage difficult emotions – she decided to create the Breaking Every Day into Slivers Not Chunks: Practical Skills to Deal With Everyday Stressors course to reach more people other than those she could meet within her office.

Please tell us a little bit about your company.

I started my career as a psychotherapist in private practice about a decade ago, but after hearing from prospective clients outside of the Boston area that they wanted to work with a psychotherapist like myself but didn’t live within a reasonable distance to my office, I put together a series of products that anyone can buy anywhere at any time. My products are designed to be used together or individually. They include all of the following:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Thinking Your Way to Feeling Better ($19.99), a workbook designed to help eliminate intrusive or negative thinking. Anyone can use the skills in this workbook to help control those ruminative or negative thoughts.

 The Stress-Buster’s Guide: How to enhance your mood and shift your mindset ($49.99), a complete bundle that contains 75 stress management skills, a mindfulness scavenger hunt, as well as a series of worksheets and calendars. This bundle is designed to help anyone at any age relieve stress and develop a positive mindset and attitude.

The Breaking Every Day into Slivers Not Chunks course ($299.00) is the ultimate resource for anyone who struggles with short or long-term stress and anxiety. Based on my one-to-one in-person sessions, I designed this seven-module course to focus on ALL aspects of life—whether stress interferes with someone’s sleep, affects their work life, or impacts their home life.

My team and I are also working on developing a Covid Coping Kit for anytime of the year. This will be released in the spring. 

Aside from the products above, we will also be offering individual course modules available for purchase on the SimpleStressManagement.com and ProgressWellness.com shop in case someone just needs help with that one aspect of stress management.

Tell us about your online course business. What is called and who is it for? 

My online course is called Breaking Everyday Into Slivers Not Chunks Practical Skills for Everyday Stressors. I designed the course for women who experience high stress levels at work or in relationships, and want to learn how to manage that stress so they can put their focus back on themselves and their loved ones, while achieving their goals. 

What would you say are the top three skills needed to be a successful entrepreneur, and why? 

Based on my own experiences, I would say that: 

1. Being able to tolerate and even welcome failure is critical. Failure creates opportunities for growth and learning.

2. Believing in yourself, even when products don’t sell as how you had hoped, or plans unravel is vital to making it through the hard times. Believing in yourself can make your business happen and that you have something to offer keeps the fire burning when challenges arise. 

3. You should have healthy outlets for stress. Talking with friends, engaging in hobbies, trying new exercises, or seeing a therapist are all great ways to relieve stress. Being an entrepreneur means that you have signed up for a risky career, so having skills to refuel your well-being tank will keep an inherently stressful job as an entrepreneur more manageable. 

What are your plans for the future, how do you plan to grow this company? 

My future plans include a short video course on stress management, possibly doing a weekly show on Instagram, creating a wellness journal that will tie in nicely to the courses, and a few more skills kits. Feeling stressed is not a good place to be, and my goal is to teach people how to manage their stress and make it fun, because it can be! 

What were the top three mistakes you made starting your business, and what did you learn from them? 

This is an easy one–fear, fear, and more fear. Seriously–fear can really slow down achieving goals and building a business. I was afraid I wouldn’t be successful, that I didn’t know what I was doing and it would look that way, and on and on. That fear really slowed me down. When I realized how much fear was dictating my business decisions, I had to make a change. It was a conscious choice to embrace fear and do it anyway. That’s why as I said earlier, believing in yourself and seeing failure as an opportunity for growth are so important. I lean into fear on a regular basis. It’s not always easy but the outcomes have been tremendously rewarding. 

Tell us a little bit about your marketing process, what has been the most successful form of marketing for you? 

Pinterest has been one of the best marketing strategies we have used to promote the Progress Wellness brand and my courses. My marketing consultant creates infographics and pins linked to blog posts, and we are able to connect our community to the branded content.  

Partnering with a knowledgeable publicist has also helped build my credibility as I’ve been featured in Allure.com, Healthline.com, Bustle.com, Buzzfeed.com, Oprah Magazine, MSN.com, and many other media outlets. Publicity has been a huge help in growing my brand.

What is the one thing you wish you knew before starting your business? 

I have a few things but the most important thing to learn is to radically accept you are going to fail and flub and embrace those as opportunities to learn and grow. Failing is part of the job description as an entrepreneur. Even the most successful entrepreneurs have failed.

What are the top three online tools and resources you’re currently using to grow your company? 

I’m currently using Pinterest and Instagram at the top of the funnel, and then ClickMeeting for my webinars. 

How can readers get in touch with you? 

I would love to hear from your readers. They can contact me through my websites Progresswellness.com and SimpleStressManagement.com. I am also on Instagram @progresswellness and Facebook.

"How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself" with Tonya Leigh

As a part of my series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” I had the pleasure to interview, Master Life and Self-Image Coach, Tonya Leigh. Tonya, Certified Master Life and Self-Image Coach, is inspiring women to add more elegance into their everyday lives, motivating many to flourish.

She’s been called an enchanting confidante for women around the world who seek to style their minds and create their lives from a place of joy, passion, and love. In a world that’s constantly telling us that we’re broken and need to go harder, faster, and hustle our way to success, Tonya’s philosophy is a breath of fresh air because we know the truth: no woman is broken. She encourages women to embrace their femininity, cultivates their confidence, and savor their lives — one bold thought, feeling, and action at a time.

With a community of over 75,000 women, Tonya has spoken to global audiences on a wide array of topics ranging from being a woman in today’s world to embracing entrepreneurship as fun and spiritual journey.

Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.

My path looks more like windy roads, potholes, and a lot of U-turns, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Isn’t that what makes for a rich life, after all?

I grew up in the Bible belt of the Deep South in a trailer where girls typically became a teacher, secretary, or nurse. I chose the latter, as I was married at eighteen and a mother by twenty-two. I felt like I was living the life that I was “supposed” to live, but there was another life within me that was tugging at my soul. With this said, I didn’t have a clue as to how to get from here to there.

One night while working in the ICU, a doctor asked me, “Tonya, who do you want to be?” 
 
 Having the courage to answer that question, and live out my answer, this moment changed my entire life. This led me to sommelier school, Paris, back to school, finally losing the extra 70 pounds, and ultimately to hiring a life coach. When I discovered the world of personal development and mixed in my love of Paris, I knew that I had a new voice to add to the conversation — the voice of femininity, style, and elegance. 
 
 After this, my company was born, and I continue to ask the question, “Tonya, who do you want to be?”

Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?

One of the most loving things we can do for ourselves is to stop trying to fix ourselves. We are not broken-down cars that need to be fixed, instead, we are amazing masterpieces waiting to be created. If my journey has taught me anything, it’s that we get to create ourselves on purpose, and not because we’re not enough but because we know that we are.

I’m obsessed with the concept of self-image and how it shapes a woman’s life. I’m in the process of creating a school devoted solely to this topic. I want women to know that no matter their past or what they’ve been told, they get to decide for themselves who they want to be and how they show up in the world. This is the decision that shapes your entire life.

Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?

It was a series of moments that changed me little by little until one day I looked in the mirror and deeply loved and appreciated myself. 
 
 My journey to self-love was more of a back-door approach. I spent so many years seeing myself as “less than,” which led to an eating disorder, excessive weight gain, dysfunctional relationships, and a life full of insecurity and anxiety. I tried all the self-help tips and tricks — posting “I love you” on the bathroom mirror, reciting mantras in the car, and getting regular manicures. But, my brain was so resistant that it wasn’t working for me, so I started to imagine what a woman who loves herself thinks, and what I discovered is that she doesn’t sit around trying to love herself, she just does. 
 
 With this said, trying to love myself was a testament to my lack of self-love. The harder I tried, the more I felt the absence of it. So, I decided to take the focus off of me and just start doing other activities — taking classes, going to the pool (even when my brain tried to convince me that everyone would laugh), going on trips, pushing myself to try new things.

Then, one day, I realized that I had so much respect for the version of me that was living life (even with all the negativity in my brain), but by enjoying the world, I started to enjoy the woman living it. So, ironically, it was so much easier to get on board the self-love train when I stopped trying to love me and simply started enjoying the world more.

· According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?

What a sad statistic, but since I’ve been a part of this 26 percent, I understand psychology really well.

We are exposed to an ideal of beauty from a very young age. I grew up during the era of the supermodels, such as Cindy Crawford, Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, and now, it’s the Kardashians. Notice how the standard of beauty is always changing, which makes feeling beautiful an impossible goal if we’re looking outside of ourselves for validation and approval.

The consequences? It’s the demise of the most important relationship you have, the one with yourself. Can you imagine dating (or even marrying) someone who’s constantly telling you that you’re not enough, that you should lose weight, or you need to get rid of cellulite. That would be a terrible relationship, right?

Although, this is exactly what we do to ourselves. The cost of this relationship is that we never feel enough, and we work hard to fill that void, but nothing outside can offer this. It’s a decision that you must make for yourself — “I am enough, no matter what.”

When you feel enough, you become unstoppable, and you take action, not to prove yourself, but instead to express and honor yourself. The intention behind your action is everything.

As cheesy as it might sound to truly understand and “love yourself,” can you share with our readers a few reasons why it’s so important?

Oscar Wilde said, “To love one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” Without self-love, you’ll forever be trying to get love from outside of you, seeking validation and appreciation. You’ll sell your soul for a sliver of love, and at the end of the day, it was only yours to give yourself.

How you get to self-love will be an individual journey of commitment and persistence, but to love yourself is the best decision you’ll ever make. However, self-love is way more than self-care. Love is fierce. 
 
 When a woman loves herself, she shows up fully in her life, she respects herself, she trusts herself, she expects the best for herself. She’s tough with herself, only because she wants the best for herself. Imagine a loving mother that doesn’t allow her child to play in the streets. Sometimes that’s how we need to be with ourselves.

Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?

You don’t get what you want, and you get what you expect. If you’re in a mediocre relationship with someone, it’s because that’s what you think you deserve. This is also a sign that you have a mediocre relationship with yourself. Once you start having a love affair with you, you won’t tolerate anything less than what you deeply desire.

When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?

Every day I have moments where I reflect on myself and realize what changes are necessary. For example, a recent moment is that I had promised myself that I was going to work out. When the time came for me to go to the gym, my brain had a little temper tantrum and convinced me that I “deserved a break.” I skipped the workout and spent the rest of the day feeling bad that I had left myself down. 
 
 Now, some would think that self-love is accepting that decision and moving on, which is partly true. I am not an advocate of beating yourself up … ever! But, I also know that one of the best ways to destroy the relationship that you have with yourself is to break promises to yourself. Imagine dating someone who promised to pick you up at seven for dinner and didn’t show. Yet this is what we are doing to ourselves. 
 
 So, I had to be tougher on myself the next day when it was time for my workout. My brain had the same temper tantrum, but I put on my gym clothes and kept the promise to myself. The reward was not only feeling better but knowing that I am a woman who shows up for herself (and on those rare occasions when I don’t, I don’t sweep it under the carpet but commit to doing better).

As my mother used to tell me, “I love you, but I don’t like your behavior.” I now understand what she means. Turns out tough love, when driven out of deep care for yourself, is one of the highest forms of self-love.

So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?

I was once one of those people who was afraid to be alone, and today, I love my alone time. What changed were my thoughts. If you don’t like being with yourself, it’s because you don’t like who you’re being with yourself. Many people want to escape themselves because the thoughts in our minds are so horrendous. It’s like hanging out with an abusive boyfriend all day. Who wants that? Yet, we do that to ourselves. When you create a more loving image of yourself, you may find that your company is the best company in the world.

How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?

Only when you truly understand and love yourself can you offer the same to others. It’s when we don’t that we find ourselves doing what I call “emotionally outsourcing,” which basically means: I don’t love myself, so can you love me? Or, I don’t understand myself, so will you understand me?

We outsource our emotional lives to people who can’t even manage their own, and then we wonder why our relationships are so dysfunctional?

When you start to care for yourself emotionally, it shifts your energy. You set boundaries with love, allowing people to be upset if they choose. You stop trying to manage other people to feel better. You show up in rooms with an attitude of “I need nothing from you and I want everything for you.”

It just so happens that the world respects that kind of woman.

In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?

In order to help people better understand and accept themselves, collectively, we need to start teaching basic emotional tools. Most people don’t understand that the reason why they feel the way they do is because of thoughts in their heads. They think it’s the outside world that’s creating their anxiety, worry, overwhelm, sadness, or whatever emotion they are experiencing, but it never is. You are always the one creating your emotional life.

When you truly understand that, you stop trying to change the world (or your appearance, income level, or any other circumstance) to feel better. And, as you start to feel better, you start to attract things into your life that was so hard to create when you were at war with yourself.

What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?

1. Journaling — every day, put your thoughts on paper: your ideas, your goals, your crazy thoughts, all of it. There’s something powerful about getting things onto paper and looking at them instead of carrying them around in your head. Every morning, I wake up and grab my journal. Some mornings, I write down the thoughts that are causing my anxiety, and other mornings I write letters from my future self. Future self journaling is very powerful. You go into the future to the version of you that’s created what you desire and let her offer you support, ideas and lots of love.

2. Dressing Up — we underestimate the power of style in our lives, but all your choices are a reflection of your inner world. Style is one of the ways I create my days on purpose. Instead of waking up in a bad mood and throwing on a pair of sweats to confirm that mood, I put something on that reminds me of who I want to be, and like magic, my energy shifts. Plus, for me, it’s a sign of self-respect, as I don’t dress to impress others, though I love impressing myself.

3. Body Checks — many women are very disconnected from their bodies. In fact, many women don’t want to be in their bodies for various reasons. Years ago, on my weight loss journey, I got into the habit of doing hourly body checks, which is basically checking in with your body to see how it feels and what it needs. 
 Sometimes, it’s a little encouragement or some food. Other times, it wants to go for a walk or dance in the living room. But, this ritual has helped me get back into my body and pay attention.

4. Goals — this may not seem like a form of self-love, but I see it as a way of taking care of myself. My grandmother used to tell me, “an idle mind is a devil’s workshop.” Having goals that move my life (and my development) forward keeps me focused and gives me something to wake up to every day.

5. Money Dates — What do money and self-love have to do with each other? Everything. Caring for your money is a form of caring for yourself, because like it or not, you need money to live a well-lived life. Because of limiting stories and beliefs around money, many women don’t want to look at their money or they don’t take care of it in a way that serves them. Having a weekly money date where you get intimate with your finances is one of the highest forms of self-love.

What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?

I started my personal development journey with Martha Beck, who wrote Finding Your Own North Star. That book will forever have a special place in my heart because it was a defining moment in my life when I discovered that my mind (not the outside world) was the source of my struggles. 
 
 One of my best friends, Brooke Castillo, owns The Life Coach School. Her work is brilliant, and her podcast is full of tools on how to manage our minds and lives. 
 
 I’m in an interesting stage of my life, however, where I’m not reading a lot of self-help books. There are seasons for everything, and I’m in a season of creation, not consumption. What I mean is that the artist needs to be inspired and then she needs to inspire. I see so many clients get stuck in constant self-help consumption that they spend more time reading about life than actually living it. I often say that the best way to improve your life is to enjoy your life, so right now, I’m reading books that simply delight me — books on style, poetry, fiction, and design.

You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…

As I mentioned earlier, I am obsessed with self-image and how it impacts our lives. You can’t become wealthy if you’re being poor. You can’t become healthy if you’re focused on disease. You can’t be loved if you feel unlovable. Your self-image shapes the jobs you have and the partners you choose. 
 
 For this reason, the movement that I’m currently ecstatic about is challenging women to have the courage to answer the question, “Who do I want to be,” and then living out their answers. 
 
 I want every woman in the world to look in the mirror and see what she desires to see — strong, confident, beautiful, sexy, wealthy, healthy, powerful, whatever she decides to be.

Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?

One of my favorite things that I say to myself daily is, “Bring it! I was made for this.” There is something so powerful about this statement because it forces you to not fight with what is, but to become the kind of person who is willing to experience it and rise about it. My maiden name is Rising, after all.

Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!

"Decide what you want and get to work to achieve it" with Wendy Yates

Wendy Yates is an entrepreneur and philanthropist dedicated to leading by example as she inspires her team and like-minded leaders to create a culture rooted in value. After dropping out of college to prematurely launch into the world of business, she experienced failure on many levels. From those failures, she learned how to use grit, adversity, and purpose-driven motives to ultimately forge the path she is focused on today. Yates is the CEO and founder of Abigail-Elise Brands, a collection of companies on a mission to reinvent what others believe to be possible in leadership, design, and global impact. 

Can you tell our readers about your background?

I was born in Oahu, Hawaii. My mom did secretarial and administrative work, while my dad was a varied-ranking member of the U.S. Air Force. Because of my dad’s military work, we bounced around a lot when I was a kid, from Hawaii to Turkey and back, then on to Arkansas and a small town in southeastern Colorado.

I was in a hurry to grow up, in part because my dad was an alcoholic and my parents’ fighting made the home feel less than ideal. It was difficult to create and maintain friendships, which made me feel lonely, but it also helped me become more independent and self-reliant. I never really had a sense of home nor a community, so in a roundabout way, I believe missing those aspects guided me towards the types of businesses I started and now oversee.

What inspired you to start your business?

I decided to start my first business Abigail-Elise Interiors, Inc. while I was going through a divorce, didn’t have a place to live, and had a two-year-old. My timing wasn’t ideal on many levels, but to exacerbate the challenge it was during a recession. Making a shift into entrepreneurship came very naturally, but I also had to work incredibly hard to make things work. 

After years of fine-tuning the best business practices that work for me within the creative world of design, I realized I was craving more human connection and affiliation. I felt compelled to volunteer with organizations and travel more because those are two things that help me feel more fulfilled. It was from this idea that I created Well Fit Human Retreats, a wellness-travel-impact company that promotes giving back on a global level. Through local and international events we are activating purpose in people, while also creating experiences that improve an individual's mental, emotional, and physical sense of well-being.

My goals as a creative visionary have always been far-reaching. I don’t just see myself as an interior designer, but instead, as a person contributing to society in an impactful way. I’m on a mission to show others that you can be profitable while also leading by example and giving back on a universal scale. I’m not sure there is really a defined “career path” for that outside of having purpose and making sure that purpose materializes into a reality. I have a vision and am on a mission that is bigger than myself.

Where is your business based?

Our corporate headquarters are located in Frisco, Colorado. We have satellite locations across the globe.

How did you start your business? What were the first steps you took?

In attempts to get the design company, Abigail-Elise Interiors, Inc., off the ground I borrowed my friend’s computer or went to the library to cold call prominent businesses. My first three clients came from the pure hustle. I ran through the Rolodex, called every connection of a connection that I thought may have a design project, and then started knocking on developer’s doors. I had to be resourceful, given it was during a recession, so I offered brokers either a commission for their recommendations or trade to help them stage properties pre-sale.

Well Fit Human Retreats came about as a result of wanting to create something bigger and more cohesive for global communities of all economic status. While working within the interior design business I realized there is a gap between luxury development, caring for the environment,  and humanitarian efforts. Well Fit Human is my way of filling that gap, while also on a mission to lead by example, cultivate a culture rooted in strong values, and create a positive impact beyond the spaces we occupy. It stands for wellness, fitness, and humanitarian efforts that we can all do to improve our quality of life. 

Growth and the addition of several more companies created the opportunity to define our mission and vision as one all-encompassing lifestyle brand. Abigail-Elise Brands is a collection of lifestyle and wellness-inspired companies building a foundation rooted in value. On a mission to reinvent what others believe to be possible in the world of design, leadership, and humanitarian efforts.

What has been the most effective way of raising awareness for your business? 

Referral and word of mouth. Abigail-Elise Brands prides itself on building long-lasting relationships and partnerships. Our approach includes treating everyone with respect, solving problems as soon as they arise, and being authentic.  To acquire new partnerships, we research people who are like-minded and have similar values. We follow up and check in with our clients, past and present, to remind them that their needs are our number one priority. A referral is the best compliment a company can receive.

What have been your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them?  

As a CEO, challenges arise every day. If they ever stop, I’ll know I am not trying hard enough as I am not looking to build a company that one day I can sit back at. My goal is to positively impact as many lives as possible.  

Some of the biggest challenges from the beginning of Abigail-Elise Brands that continues today is finding the right people to help build my team and the right processes that will make that team successful. My mission is constantly evolving because there are a plethora of accomplishments I want to achieve, so in order to keep the brand consistent, I have to recenter my focus and rely on my team to continue generating momentum in all directions.  

How do you stay focused? 

Creating a schedule is my most important practice. This might be the most unexciting answer of all time, yet it is an amazing tool. I schedule everything from showering, eating, time with my daughter, work events, meetings, creative time, finances, you name it. Everything gets a time slot and is color-coded with a category to help simplify things. I don’t believe in work-life balance because in my life everything is integrated together. My purpose is bigger than the task at hand, and it’s imperative that I create a lifestyle that nurtures my purpose.

In addition to scheduling, I have created a 5 yr life plan and update it as needed to incorporate my new goals. I focus on doing all the things I need to do in 90-day increments so that I stay on track and remain focused. To be completely honest, it takes a lot of discipline to focus on 90 days at a time, but it is incredibly helpful.

How do you differentiate your business from the competition?

In my opinion, the most valuable businesses incorporate a holistic approach to applying their services, sourcing or selling products, and creating a connection between themselves and their clientele. Abigail-Elise Brands is about doing precisely that by creating an experience for our customers that goes beyond designing beautiful spaces. We believe in getting to know our client’s intrinsic values so that we can help them create spaces that support a wellness-based lifestyle. We believe in partnering with eco-conscious and sustainable companies that care about the environment so that together we can minimize our negative impact and support innovation. And we believe in inspiring communities through our presence on social media, YouTube, and many other platforms to live with purpose and passion because ultimately these are qualities that have helped us continue to thrive.

What has been your most effective marketing strategy to grow your business?

 I’ll let you know when I find it! Abigail-Elise Brands is nowhere near the size we want to be, however, there are several strategies we’ve found useful over the years. Most importantly be authentic, it matters! Next, be willing to try multiple channels to get your message out there. Through trial and error, you’ll learn where your audience is and the best ways to reach them. Align yourself with people that are doing what you want to do so that you can learn from them and implement techniques that fit your business model. Avoid paid advertising until you know you have a big enough budget to support it. Be willing to ask for help and take time to connect with other people in ways that help their businesses grow too. When you set others up for success, without expecting anything in return, you’re sending a positive message to the universe that you care.

What’s your best piece of advice for aspiring and new entrepreneurs? 

For anyone starting out, my advice would be to decide what you want and get to work to achieve it. The most important lesson I’ve learned is to only surround myself with people who inspire me and lift me up. This is how I was able to find my true purpose in life and integrate that purpose into Abigail-Elise Brands and Well Fit Human Retreats. I have found that having a purpose instead of an end goal is what gives me the motivation and drive to continue to always do more.  Invest in your network and give to it as much as you have because you care to. 

What’s your favorite app, blog, and book? Why?

I fill my time listening to podcasts, reading articles, and learning everywhere I possibly can. The NPR podcast How I Built This has greatly influenced how I chose to think about my companies. Ted Talks and Ted Radio Hour are two I’ve been recently vibing on as they help me generate more global awareness and ideas about how I can contribute on a bigger scale. Lastly, Broke to WOKE is a great one! If you don’t know about it I highly recommend it. 

Worth mentioning… I recently started my own podcast called the Design Driven Life where I talk to seasoned entrepreneurs, leaders, and wellness gurus to help others gain the tools it takes to shift their mindset to becoming a Well Fit Human. I had to plug that in.  

What’s your favorite business tool or resource? Why?

Coaching and spreadsheets. You can figure a lot out on your own, but it may take more time and wasted effort to do so. I only recently started working with a personal coach and believe it’s 100% worth the investment. Learning from others who have already been through the process and have come out the other side is highly beneficial. Spreadsheets are another useful tool as they help you organize your thoughts and leverage your efforts.  

Who is your business role model? Why? 

Elon Musk. His focus is on making the world a better place. I have been following him since the early days of Tesla by investing and reading about his work. I learned from him that anything is possible.

How do you balance work and life?

As I said earlier I don’t believe in work-life balance. When you are doing what you love, work and life become simultaneous and cannot be split. It’s a more integrated, whole-life approach that I believe is the key to living your best life possible. Design the life you want by doing what you love, loving who you are, and holding a space of gratitude. With that being said there are definitely parts of a job that will not be as desirable as others, but that’s ok. When the overall picture propels you towards your purpose, anything is doable and everything is possible. You get one chance in this life, so why focus on balance when you can be living, doing well, and being good all the time.

What’s your favorite way to decompress? 

I primarily decompress by writing down my thoughts. When I am not thinking, planning and writing, my go-to is body movement. Biking, strength training, yoga, tennis, and/or walking brings me clarity.  

What do you have planned for the next six months?

Wow - It's a table of contents really!

The overall plan is to continue to build high reaching teams, expand our presence as a growing brand, and join other leaders in becoming a leader of leaders. We want to work with like-minded, impact-driven people to co-create communities, develop life-changing experiences, and help solve economic issues on a global scale. How we are going to do this is through our podcast, the Design Driven Life, our designs at Abigail-Elise Design Studio, and our humanitarian-based Well Fit Human retreats.

How can our readers connect with you?

Wendy Yates: Instagram   LinkedIn 

Abigail-Elise Brands: Twitter   YouTube   LinkedIn   Website

Well Fit Human: Instagram  Facebook   LinkedIn   Pinterest   Website

Abigail-Elise Design Studio: Instagram   Facebook   Pinterest   Website

the Design Driven Life Podcast: Apple Podcasts   Spotify   BuzzSprout   Instagram

"Be patient" with Stephanie Hadjipateras

Photo Credit : Elizabeth from Studio Live

Stephanie Hadjipateras has been a life coach for several years. Born and raised in Athens, she obtained her coaching qualifications in London, where she established her business in 2016 and has since helped many clients in achieving aims and objectives. Prior to life coaching, Stephanie was in the events industry and studied fashion; two experiences that she’s brought over into her life coaching in terms of the things she learned and observed. Her subsequent multiple surgeries, coupled with other health issues – some of which affect her everyday life today – led her into finding her passion in helping and guiding other people. She and her husband Christian are based in Athens. www.embrace-the-change.com

Can you tell our readers about your background?

I studied to become an event planner and designer, which I did for a few years. One day I decided to pack my bags and move to London to pursue my other passion, which was helping others in the form of life coaching. I became a qualified coach in 2016 while simultaneously taking an interest in hypnosis. 

What inspired you to start your business?

I guess I’ve always wanted to help others from a young age, but never really knew how and I had so many other things I wanted to do. One day I met a life Coach who changed my life and I believe that is what inspired to finally purse my passion and follow that path.

Where is your business based?

My business is based in Athens where I live with my husband and adorable dog. I work online with amazing people from all over the world. 

How did you start your business? What were the first steps you took?

I wanted to learn everything I could about Life Coaching so I took a course to become a certified Life Coach and then did many hours of training. 

What has been the most effective way of raising awareness for your business?

Social media has really helped and alongside the other benefits that the online world has to offer. What helped in the beginning was word of mouth, which for me is the best way. 

What have been your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them?

There are so many amazing coaches out there, so finding my niche and sharing my story was something that was hard in the beginning, but now feel very confident about what I offer.

How do you stay focused?

Staying focused can be difficult and there are harder days than others. I practice a lot of mindfulness through meditation and I also do puzzles and paint by numbers, which not only do I enjoy and find fun but also helps with concentration and staying focused. 

How do you differentiate your business from the competition?

As I have mentioned before, there are so many talented Life Coaches out there with fantastic skills; coaches who focus on stress and chronic pain in their own way. I would have to say the thing that differentiates my business is that I will try to push you out of your comfort zone, but at the same time, be there for you and always try to make it fun 

What has been your most effective marketing strategy to grow your business?

I would have to say engaging with other, building relationships and trust.

What's your best piece of advice for aspiring and new entrepreneurs?

Be patient. There are many tools and strategies out there to help you and support you..use them. Having said that even things don’t work for you as fast as it has for others, it doesn’t mean anything, your time will come, so don’t give up. 

What's your favorite app, blog, and book? Why?

I love hearing masterclass from the mindValley app, where you not only grow in your business but also as a person. 

What's your favorite business tool or resource? Why?

I love doing videos because for me this is the best way people can understand who you are as a person and feel more connected to you. 

Who is your business role model? Why?

I would have to say Jane Austen, and not because I am a hopeless romantic and would love to have lived in that time, but because of what this talented woman managed to accomplish, despite the time she lived in and what people may have thought. A very strong, confident, inspiring woman.

How do you balance work and life?

Work/Life balance is very important to me, so I make sure to always have time for my family and not let work interfere. For example, no work after a certain time or during dinner, and I always make it a point to leave time for myself even if it is just for 15 minutes. 

What’s your favorite way to decompress?

One of things I love to do is to put on some relaxing music and do a puzzle or watch a movie

What do you have planned for the next six months?

Actually, we are moving from north to south Athens, which is exciting, so that is one big thing. Keep growing my business and spend time with loved ones.

How can our readers connect with you?

Please feel free to contact me through my website

www.embrace-the-change.com or through social media:

www.instagram.com/stephlifecoach/

"Be productive with the time you have" with Melissa Gamarra

Photo credit: Purple Moss Photography

Melissa Gamarra is a Certified Online Business Manager and Amazon Best Selling Author of the book, Transform Your Online Business into a Flourishing Enterprise. She helps female entrepreneurs scale their businesses by implementing standard operating procedures, streamlining systems and processes, project management, and business growth strategy. Melissa is also a wife and mother of two who started her business in hopes of helping others and providing a better life for her family. Outside of business Melissa enjoys cooking and physical fitness in addition to spending time with family and friends.

Can you tell our readers about your background?

If you asked my parents, they would say I hopped around a lot. I often jumped from job to job just trying to find the right fit. I originally thought I would be an OBGYN (I always had a passion for helping women), I started college with this in mind and soon found myself hating the field. Then I thought I would try accounting. I changed my college studies and soon after found a job working for a business lender. While working for this business lender I was responsible for managing hundreds of 3rd party contractors all over the USA. Little did I know that this was something I truly enjoyed and had a knack for!

What inspired you to start your business?

While working for this lender I got pregnant with my daughter. After realizing how impossible it would be to work 50+ hours a week, pay for daycare and keep up with my other responsibilities I started my own business. Being a business owner was something I had always wanted but never thought it would be possible for me. It just seemed unattainable, “you have no clue how to run a business, what would people possibly pay you for?” I would think to myself. But on a random Saturday while in my 3rd trimester of pregnancy I got this overwhelming urge to take the leap, so I did.

Where is your business based?

I am currently in Salt Lake City, UT in the USA. I work from my home in the suburbs and enjoy every bit of it!

How did you start your business? What were the first steps you took?

The very first step I took was figuring out what skills I had that could be a freelance service. I looked online for “freelance bookkeeping” because I knew that was something all businesses NEED. This led me down the rabbit hole of VA’s or Virtual Assistants. I found a woman named Abbey Ashley and paid the $1,000 to enroll in her course on how to start a VA business. After that, I registered my LLC with the Secretary of State to make it “official” so that I would be sure to follow through on my new endeavor.

What has been the most effective way of raising awareness for your business?

I grew my business through cold messaging on LinkedIn. This was a great opportunity for me to cut through the social media noise and let my ideal client know what I do. I also searched Facebook Groups for people asking about services that I provided. I would spend an hour a day reaching out to people and simply filling out “applications” for VA work.

What have been your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them?

One of my biggest challenges was learning how to properly set boundaries and say no to clients that aren’t a fit for me. I spent a lot of time and energy working with people who simply weren’t my style and I often found myself feeling resentful. That was until I started standing firm with regards to my working hours, my rates, and many other personal boundaries.

Another significant challenge was (surprisingly) my age. There were many times where people would outright question me on our discovery calls about my age and would say things like, “how can you possibly help me, you're so young”. For those of you wondering I am currently 26 and have been in business since I was 23. This just added fuel to my fire and made me want to succeed even more just to prove that I could do anything I set my mind to. This is still an ever-present challenge but over the years I have grown to care less about what others think of me and choose not to let their mental blocks phase me. That’s their problem, not mine!

How do you stay focused?

A tool I use to help me stay on track and focused on my goals is Asana. This is a task management tool that I use to time block my entire day and help me stay ahead of any upcoming deadlines. I often block out my day 24 hours prior so that I know exactly what needs to get done and don’t waste time getting my day started. Not only does this tell me exactly what to do it gives me that great sense of satisfaction once I complete each task and cross it off my list. It’s a great tool to keep me focused, on task, and wildly productive.

How do you differentiate your business from the competition?

I think everyone brings their own flair to the table. For me, it’s my personality. I’m not your typical hyper-organized number lover who is quiet and keeps to themselves. I have a large personality that some people love and some people hate, and that’s okay! This helps me make sure I work with only people who enjoy my style and differentiates me from most other Online Business Managers.

What has been your most effective marketing strategy to grow your business?

The most effective marketing strategy for me, in the beginning, was Direct Messaging on LinkedIn. Currently, my marketing model includes paid advertising, word of mouth, and a Facebook Group. Both of these models are effective but for someone just starting out, LinkedIn is a great way to build up momentum for super low (or no) cost.

What's your best piece of advice for aspiring and new entrepreneurs?

Be productive with the time you have! I am a big fan of time blocking to help me be productive and blocking in time to work on your business will help you stay focused rather than scrolling Facebook aimlessly looking for opportunities.

What's your favorite app, blog, and book? Why?

App: Asana by far, helps me stay organized, on task, and ahead of the curve when it comes to potential problems or deadlines.

Blog: Skinny Taste, because I love cooking healthy flavorful food!

Book: The Gratitude Diaries, this book changed my life and helped me pull myself out of comparison and “not good enough” mode through gratitude for my current situation.

What's your favorite business tool or resource? Why?

Google and Youtube are huge tools for my business which might seem overly simplistic but it is so important to me to figure things out. When I don’t have the answer to a question or problem these tools are great resources for figuring out how to overcome that issue. Most of the problems and thoughts we experience every day have been experienced before. Using search engines to help me figure out how those problems have been solved in the past is a huge part of how I built a successful company. If you don’t know how to do it, Google it!

Who is your business role model? Why?

Brene Brown is my role model because of the type of leader she is, her level of self-awareness, and her ability to help others achieve greatness. My favorite book of hers is Dare to Lead which really solidified my admiration of her and helped shape my leadership skills in the process.

How do you balance work and life?

A big part of work/life balance for me is having solid boundaries that I commit to honoring. I have specific working hours and don’t work weekends or on vacations. These are laid out in my contract and because I set ground rules upfront I rarely have to remind clients that my family time is off-limits for work. One of the most important pieces of having boundaries is committing to them yourself. It’s easy for me to set the ground rules upfront but if a client asks me to work on a Sunday and I continually oblige then not only does that tell the client I am not someone of my word but it also that they don’t have to respect my boundaries.

What’s your favorite way to decompress?

I really enjoy a nice bath with a book. It’s pretty much the only “me time” I get and it’s always super relaxing!

What do you have planned for the next six months?

My primary focus for my business over the next six months is growing my Facebook Group and filling my newly launched Group Program.

How can our readers connect with you?

You can join the Powerhouse Women’s Circle Facebook Group HERE, or check out my website at https://www.melissagamarramanagement.com and if you are interested in reading my best-selling book you can get it on Amazon HERE.

"Pick your first people very carefully" with Melissa Kiguwa

We are two female co-founders of Obánj, a luxury jewelry company where for as low as $29/month members rent Dior, YSL, Gucci, and more.

Melissa Kiguwa (CEO), has a background in the entertainment industry working as a radio and television host; a producer for both commercial and broadcast radio including the BBC World Service; and for Get Lifted, John Legend's production company, where she focused on the development of new scripted projects.

Niya Panamdanam (CTO), is a self-taught engineer, who has worked with multiple tech startups in Atlanta in both design and engineering.

We came together to build something exciting, but for purposes of this application—Melissa has responded to the questions below.

Can you tell our readers about your background?

I began my career at 19 as a freelance journalist traveling the world. I traveled to China, Guatemala and Kenya. I lived in Uganda for four years and London for two. I then went on to try my hand at Hollywood where I was fortunate enough to work alongside some of the most prolific talent of our time. Through my experience, regardless of city, locale, or organization, what remained true was this insidious, unspoken rule that women should dress and look far above our pay-grade. I realized this meant fashion and beauty became another “pink tax” we endured to stay in the game. I co-founded my company, Obánj, because of this need I saw in my industry.

What inspired you to start your business?

As previously mentioned, I’ve worked in the media & entertainment industry as both talent and a creative since I was 19 years old. From Kampala to Los Angeles to London, I’ve seen it all. And what remains true is financial exploitation, especially of women, even the ones we think are “rolling in it.” I was tired of being expected to perform a femininity that costs a lot while not being paid enough to maintain the aesthetic. Beauty is glorious, but it shouldn’t be a yoke.

I want conscientious, ambitious women to walk through the world with their heads held high. And I don’t say this as a form of whimsy, but as in, when you expect better, you demand better. When you feel emboldened, you can say no, negotiate higher, and if need be— walk away.

How we look in the world impacts how we move in the world impacts how we’re perceived in the world impacts what we demand of the world.

It’s all connected.

Where is your business based?

Los Angeles

How did you start your business? What were the first steps you took?

I first began by getting in touch with the Small Business Association, the SBA (it’s in every city, so do make sure to check out yours if you haven’t already!). They put me in touch with a sister organization that specifically works with female founders. They helped me get my business plan and financials in order. At the same time, I quickly put together a simple landing page online with some stock images to see if people were interested in the idea. To get on the waiting list, I charged a one-time joining fee which allowed me to gauge customer appetite.

What has been the most effective way of raising awareness for your business?

Social Media and collaborating with influencers and artisans.

What have been your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them?

COVID has been a challenge for most fashion rental companies. We’ve stayed hyper-focused and found unconventional ways to connect with our members.

How do you stay focused?

When my co-founder and I launched the business, we knew this would take up the next 10 years of our life, come hell or high water. A pandemic doesn’t change that. We understand what we’re working towards and provide each other the support necessary to stay the course.

How do you differentiate your business from the competition?

We embrace niche. We understand different communities of women enjoy a range of styles, and so, we build closets that speak to those styles.  

What has been your most effective marketing strategy to grow your business?

Influencer closets – we collaborate with influencers so their followers can borrow luxury and designer pieces from their virtual closets on our site.

What's your best piece of advice for aspiring and new entrepreneurs?

1.    You can plan as much as you want, but once it’s showtime, much of that goes out of the window. Keep going, you’ll find your stride.

2.    Pick your first people very carefully. Those brains and personalities are what defines success or failure for your company

What's your favorite app, blog, and book? Why?

1. Favorite app: Instagram

2. Favorite Blog: Fenty

3. Favorite Book: The Lean Startup

What's your favorite business tool or resource? Why?

1. Zoho Accounting Books

Who is your business role model? Why?

Whitney Wolfe Herd, the founder of Bumble, because of her feminism and brilliance.

How do you balance work and life?

I don’t know that there is a balance to it all. Sometimes by thinking there needs to be a balance, women can feel an extra layer of shame. I believe you do the best with the time you have while being intentional all along the way.

What’s your favorite way to decompress?

Yoga or going for a walk.

How can our readers connect with you?

Instagram: @mkiguwa and @obanj_jewelry

Jess O’Connell: 5 Things I Wish Someone Told Me Before I Became A Founder

What feels like common sense to you is likely your secret genius. You might not know this, but that thing that comes easily to you doesn’t come easily to everyone. Not all of us have the same brain or set of skills. Lean into your secret genius, and share it with the world.

Aspart of my interview series, I had the pleasure of interviewing Jess O’Connell. She started her business after her husband lost his job in 2018 and they went on government assistance. Her first launch generated $1500 in revenue, and it was the proof she needed to give it her full attention. After six months of testing and iterating her signature formula, Jess found herself generating $10K per month but she didn’t enjoy running her business. After launching no less than 10 programs in that six months, she was spinning many plates at once, trying to keep it all going, terrified to let one stop and drop. Then she started questioning whether being an entrepreneur is what she really wanted.

Jess took some time to close down her offers and dedicated herself to making that one offer as profitable as possible before starting anything else new. By the end of her first year in business, she reached that highly coveted six figures. In 2020, Jess shifted her business serving a more aligned audience. One launch at a time, she narrowed her focus and re-built her business in a new niche. Now Jess helps clients create more revenue with their launches so they can get out of the cycle of feast and famine and start creating stacked launch revenue in their business. She has been featured in top-tier media including Yahoo! Finance, Today.com, and more.

Jess holds a bachelor’s degree in earth science from the University of Northern Colorado. She is married with two children and lives in Denver.

Thank you so much for joining us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?

I have always had a knack for growing an audience online. In my 20’s, I started a blog sharing my fitness journey and grew it to over 100,000 monthly readers. I had no clue about things like marketing or funnels, but I knew how to grow an audience and connect with other people online. That’s really how I got started. My blog was a hobby for a long time, and after I had kids, my priorities changed and I became a stay at home mom. While I let go of the blog, I maintained those relationships and connections with Instagram. When my husband lost his job in 2018, I decided to ever let anyone else have control over my family’s security, and I started my business. The most natural place to start was doing what I knew best. Building an audience online.

Where did you get the drive to continue even though things were so hard?

It came down to that same decision I made that day. When my husband lost his job, we lost everything. We had to file for government assistance and Medicaid. We thought we were going to lose our house, and everything was uncertain. It really shook me and made me realize that our life was not in our hands. We were at the mercy of whatever employer my husband was working for. The idea of losing everything again scared the hell out of me, and it changed me. I like to say the magic happens when your back’s against the wall. I didn’t have a choice to quit. I knew that I could do hard things and that I could do anything I set my mind to. So I pushed through every obstacle and made it happen.

So, how are things going today? How did grit and resilience lead to your eventual success?

Our life today looks completely different than it did just two years ago. My husband is now a stay at home dad and I run my business full time. My kids have both parents home full time, and the freedom to go on adventures and vacation (ya know, when it’s not a pandemic). We recently sold the house we almost lost, and are now in a house three times the size, and I no longer have to work out of a closet.

We have the security we were looking for, and we know that no matter what we could never be in a situation like that again because we can always make more money. Grit is one of my core values and never letting a setback turn into more. I truly believe everything is happening for us to teach us the lessons we need to learn to grow. It’s like when you’re playing a video game, you have to beat the “boss” before you can level up. I know that when things are getting really tough, I’m about to grow, and that’s always been true.

Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?

I’ve made a LOT of mistakes along the way, but I know that’s the best way I learn. I’d say one of the funniest mistakes I’ve ever made was when I moved my website to a course hosting platform, I accidentally granted access to my course to my whole list. I had to email everyone and apologize and take everyone who hadn’t bought it out of the program, it was kind of a mess haha. But learned a great lesson about not sweating the small stuff. I was so afraid people would be upset that I was taking it away, but they were way more understanding than I gave them credit for.

What do you think makes your company stand out? Can you share a story?

One of the biggest ways my company stands out is by going against the status quo. So many people tell you to not ruffle feathers or say anything that upsets anyone, but I actually believe and do the exact opposite. Everyone wants to become a client magnet, but no one is willing to be polarizing. Ever seen a magnet that didn’t repel?

Magnets only attract with the same force with which they repel, and the same is true for business. If you want to be a client magnet, you have to be polarizing. And I don’t mean controversial or crass, but you have to take a stand for the beliefs you have that are counter to the status quo. Your ideal clients will be galvanized by your message, and the wrong people will just keep scrolling. Either way, you win.

Which tips would you recommend to your colleagues in your industry to help them to thrive and not “burn out”?

One of the biggest lessons I have learned in business is the difference between movement and action. Movement is busy work. It’s doing the things that keep you feeling busy but you’re truly just spinning your wheels. Action is a movement with intention. It’s the stuff you’re probably avoiding doing my staying busy. When you spend more time in action, you get more done without burnout. I also can’t recommend hiring help enough. I hired a VA before I was making more than $1500 a month, and my first month after hiring her my business tripled. I have not had at least one person helping me in my business since, and it allows me to stay in action.

None of us are able to achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person who you are grateful towards who helped get you to where you are? Can you share a story?

This is 100% going to sound cheesy but my husband is the real MVP. When I started my business, I was a stay at home mom. Which meant that I worked during nap time and once the kids were asleep. That first year, my husband started driving Uber at night to make ends meet, and it gave me the time to work. 8 pm-midnight was my work time and had we not taken that year of hard to really get going, I’m not sure we would have grown as we have. In January, before Covid, he quit his job and driving Uber to stay home with the kids so I could work more during the day. He has been the most supportive partner, and I really couldn’t imagine growing this business without him.

How have you used your success to bring goodness to the world?

I love this question because giving is also a core value of mine. When I was a kid, my parents were going through a particularly rough time with money. I remember them managing our expectations and telling us that Christmas was going to be small that year. But on Christmas Eve, we came home and there was a Santa bag of presents on our front porch, with an unsigned note. Someone had blessed my family with the most amazing gifts. That experience instilled in me an incredible spirit of giving. Every year since starting my business, we’ve been able to pay that forward in the most beautiful ways. I’m so grateful for the opportunity to give back.

What are your “5 things I wish someone told me before I started leading my company” and why? Please share a story or example for each.

• 1. Reaching your goals will never make you feel successful. When I hit my first $100K, I was expecting some kind of fireworks or a sense of relief like “I made it!” And that didn’t come. It was right before Christmas and I realized that feeling successful is like feeling like Christmas. You have to decide to feel it. It never “feels like Christmas” until you decide it does. I didn’t feel successful at $100K because I didn’t choose to feel successful first. Never let reaching a certain goal keep you from feeling successful now.

• 2. Money is a renewable resource, time is not. I can’t tell you how much time I wasted trying to do something that I could have paid to learn faster. Or paid someone else to do. We treat money like we’re going to run out of it, and waste time like we have an endless supply. This is totally backward. Covet your time, you’ll never get it back, and spend the money to get back more of it.

• 3. Hire early. This goes back to the last one, but hiring is absolutely key to scaling your business. Even if it’s just a part-time VA, giving over those tasks that are keeping you busy will free you up to be the visionary in your business.

• 4. What feels like common sense to you is likely your secret genius. You might not know this, but that thing that comes easily to you doesn’t come easily to everyone. Not all of us have the same brain or set of skills. Lean into your secret genius, and share it with the world.

• 5. Don’t worry about finding your niche. So many people get stuck in the weeds trying to find the right niche. When you become known for what you do, your niche becomes irrelevant. Own your genius, take a stand for your polarizing beliefs, and become known for what you do. The niche doesn’t matter.

You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)

I believe the way we learn is changing. We all have a skill set we can share with the world. I would love to start a movement empowering more people to join the peer to peer education economy, sharing their gifts with the world and creating their own financial freedom. I see peer to peer education is the next rideshare industry. I’d love to be a part of making that happen.

How can our readers get in touch with you?

https://www.jessoconnell.com/

https://www.instagram.com/jess.oconnell_/